Church and State
by Pass
Summary: What happens when the church disappears? Rated PG for mild insults and language.


Homer was at Moe's Tavern talking with Lenny and Carl and Barney about the security of the United States.  
  
Lenny said, "You hear that now they can force you to take off your shoes at the airport? Seems a bit too much if you ask me. Sooner or later you'll have to strip naked just to buy beer."  
  
Homer replied, "So what's wrong with that? Sure, the bar doesn't have any ladies in it now, but sooner or later one's bound to come."  
  
Moe suddenly shouted "Hey, is there a Lou Zerr here in this bar? Seriously, there's a Lou Zerr in this bar."  
  
Everybody laughed when Moe said back into the phone, "Listen, someday I'm gonna rip the ring off your nose and sell your brain on eBay!"  
  
At the other end of the line was Reverend Tim Lovejoy at church, who slammed the phone in disgust. He said, "Oh, Jesus, why did this have to happen? Why was that man cursed with his name?" Then Groundskeeper Willie popped in. He asked "Is there was a fire extinguisher in the church?" Lovejoy said, "No, none that I can recall, unless this is a metaphor saying that church can help absolve sins, causing one to not go to Hell and..." Willie interupted "No seriously, the church is on fire!"  
  
"Oh dear god." was all Tim could say.  
  
So, anyways, Ned Flanders was convinding Rodd and Todd "Pop music is the evil that permeates our society," when he got a call. He picked it up and Police Chief Clancy Wiggum was on the other end.  
  
Clancy: "Say, is your refrigerator running?"  
Ned: "Yeah, why?"  
Clancy: "Then you'd better go catch it!"  
Ned (laughing): "Oh, that one's a classic."  
Clancy: "I can remember the first time someone pulled it on me."  
Ned: "Yeah, if only everyone could be so hilarious."  
Clancy: "But seriously, the church just burned down."  
  
Ned dropped the phone and ran out to the car. Wiggum said "Isn't that one also a classic?" when Lou answered "Well, yeah chief, but the church really did just burn down." Wiggum shouted "Oh dear god!" and ran out to the police car. Lou shrugged back at Eddie saying "That's odd, people everywhere are falling for that one."  
  
With much of Springfield watching, Reverend Lovejoy started his speech out with "Our church was a loving place where one could turn to whenever they needed."  
  
Homer shouted, "Yeah, until now!" He laughed as everyone else held their heads down in shame, "Get it? The church is no longer a loving place and..." as he looked up he saw everyone staring at him and said "I'll be in the car.", ran off to the car and drove off.  
  
Lovejoy continued, "The church never asked for a lot, just an hour a day. Now it is unable to accmoplish anything."  
  
Comic Book Guy interrupted, "Worst church ever.", then he also left.  
  
Agnes Skinner shouted, "This church is about as usable as Seymoure" and she also left.  
  
Snake shouted, "Bye, off to rob all your houses, dude!"  
  
Bart yelled, "Church sucks!", Nelson shouted "Ha ha!", Krusty threw a pie in Tim's face, Apu said "Thank you, come again", Professor Frink cried "Glaven!" then Homer returned with a boxful of donuts asking, "So what I miss?"  
  
FIVER HOURS LATER...  
  
All the chairs originally filled were now empty, except Marge's and the Flanders's. "And with that, I hope this is not a sign of bad omen." Then Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel ran up with a VHS tape in his hand shouting "Now hold it right thayr, I gots right here a tape that's gonna solve all your problems." Lovejoy replied "Thank you, Cletus" with which Cletus answered "Aw shucks, it was nothin', I only found it in the middle of the road when I was searchin' for-a dinner."  
  
Tim pops the tape in the VCR and the screen says "Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such anti-insurance-ripoff films as "Proving It Was An Accident" and "How To Appear Sober". Today we're going to look at uninsured buildngs. Can you collect money off of them? The answer is no." Then a kid appears on the screen and asks Troy, "But Troy can't an (staring close to the camera at the cue-cards) angry mob steal money from insurance agencies?" Troy laughs and says "Oh sure, and according to Springfield law, it's perfectly legal."  
  
Tim said "Our prayers have been answered." Ned asked "I'm okay with the mob part, but does it have to be an angry mob?" Chief Wiggum popped in and said, "Sorry, but non-angry mobs are against the law."  
  
So an angry mob of citizens stormed over to the Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe Insurance Agency and beat up workers there. One said "Hey no fair, we stole that money from you fair and square!" Then they took all the money.  
  
Five days later the church was rebuilt and everything was back to normal. Bart and Lisa were watching Itchy and Scrathy in "Brother, Can You Spare A Bomb?" in which Itchy steals all of Scratchy's money, then gives him a lit bomb which explodes on Scratchy. They laughed until they heard Kent Brockman say "This program has been interrupted for the following announcement: It seems that since the DCH incident, all insurance companies have left the state of..." TV goes on the fritz for a couple of seconds "...and refuse to return. All I can say is that I hope you people are happy." Homer said, "And whaddya know? I AM happy!" Marge grumbled then said "But what happens if the house burns down?" Homer said "Our house? No way. It's not like we're the church or anything." Marge said "I still want insurance." Homer replied "Well, there's none here in..." Loud construction noise impedes hearing for a couple of seconds "...and I'm not leaving Springfield unless Moe's Tavern goes with us. Mmmmm, beer."  
  
Meanwhile, at the Powerplant, Mister Burns said "Look at these fools, complaining about their lack of insurance. I think if you want something, then go for it." Mister Smithers replied "Yeah you're right. I'm gonna go ahead and say it: Mr. Burns, I love you." Burns said "Yes you do, but we'll see that everybody else loves me when I decide to pay the insurance companies money to come back here. And damn it, I want some coffee!"  
  
So the insurance companies came back, and everybody was cheering for Mr. Burns, when he said publicly "I'm holding a contest. Whoever can prove that I am the best man alive will get everything left to them in my will. Oh wait, we already have a winner: it's me! See you pathetic fools later!" Then Ralph Wiggum said "We're pathetic fools." Then the crowd turned into a frenzy, and that's the end... or is it? Yes it is... or is it? Yes it is, for now. 


End file.
